If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
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I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story