I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
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DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!