[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
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I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Home #decor warning.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Thrilling chase underway
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.