What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
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I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
🤯🤯🤯
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff