You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
You Might Also Like
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)