I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
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dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all