She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
You Might Also Like
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
do u think theres a butter planet?
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.