My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
You Might Also Like
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high