When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
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“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Brb my Sims are getting married
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.