[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
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They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Bobby pin
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.