Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
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You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
when dads have a rap battle
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house