I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
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I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Cartoons made it seem like I鈥檇 be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it鈥檚 only happened to me three times.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there鈥檚 a line for it.
2008- This Master鈥檚 degree is going to change my life!
2019- I鈥檝e got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she鈥檚 homeless now.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
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me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
It doesn鈥檛 matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they鈥檙e thirsty.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 馃檨
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who鈥檚 your favorite serial killer?
HER: I鈥檓 calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who鈥檚 your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I鈥橵E SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]