I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
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me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
being a writer on Twitter:
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Mornin
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler