Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
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My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.