Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
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If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Oops I deleted….
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
dads on road-trips be like
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.