90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
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The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May