Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
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The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
mechanics be like
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Very problematic
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
WTF IS THAT!
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check