Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
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How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.