You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
You Might Also Like
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family