This will never not be funny 😭
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If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.