When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
You Might Also Like
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
thank god the sign was there
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.