pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
You Might Also Like
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Siri: Retweet me.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag