People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
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Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
How wrong was this guy?
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.