Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
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Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
This January has 47 Mondays
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*