Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
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You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”