Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
You Might Also Like
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane