Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
You Might Also Like
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price