Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
You Might Also Like
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
When I can’t barge, I careen.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.