I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
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Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
I put the hot in psychotic.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work