I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
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I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
the composer
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me: