inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
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let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
bias laundering edition
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.