After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
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ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Meeeee too!
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.