Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
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Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it