Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
You Might Also Like
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
british sex workers really pound for pound
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”