When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
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The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
rise and shine we got egg
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.