* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
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Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
found my next D&D character name
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.