[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
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the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.