Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
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PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand