Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
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oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
why isn’t he texting back
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Tuesday
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.