My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
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This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
kitchen magnet
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin