This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
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I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
We’re all getting idioter.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Do not go gentle into that good night,
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent