My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
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Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it