I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
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someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.