[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
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My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life