Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
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A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
the pigeons are already plenty salty
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Facebook Twitter
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue