we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
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Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate