If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
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At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead