Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
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I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
how to have fun when you’re poor
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?