Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
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That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.