Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
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Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
There is wisdom there.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.